chibi Dorian line art by Yoiko, coloring by Whizzy

Sadistic Entanglement

If you know Klaus at all, you surely know he has... difficulties expressing himself in situations that call for subtlety and tact. Bluster and volume, while often far from appropriate, can successfully mask noble intentions and hold embarrassment at bay -- as well as make a conversation with the Major a downright frustrating endeavor. This is why I, being the world's foremost expert on Klaus, have taken it upon myself to compile a layman's dictionary of Klaus-speak.

What Klaus Says:

Dorian's Translation:

I'll shoot you full of holes!

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, and I'm a little cranky.


I wish you *would* do that.

Get out of my sight, you perverted faggot!

You look really nice in those tight leather pants.

You're all incompetent.

Nice job, men.

Sweets will give you fat tummy virus!

Vain as I am, I can't touch them, because I have to watch my weight.

No touching below the belt!

Not in public; not while I'm sober.


[insert pet-name of your choice]

Don't act that way!

Your flirting is working.

Mind if I smoke?

I am going to light up right now because I am in desperate need of nicotine. Complain and I'll tear your lungs out through your throat.

Don't corrupt good German boys!

I thought I was the one you loved. I'm so jealous!

Watch your pants around the Earl!

Hands off -- he's mine.


Hello, Lord Gloria. It's nice to see you, too.

I'm going for my morning run.

I have excessive sexual frustrations to work off.

I give back twice as much as I get.

*cough* #^_^#

Come to fetch me? Don't waste your time!

I don't like the way you drive, and I could probably walk there faster than you drive, you old granny.

I was only kidding about the beer!

I just got a favour out of you, and I don't like your company -- goodbye, loser.

The potbellied Chief!

That's a terribly disgusting thought and I really wish you wouldn't go there again.

I could buy a Leopard tank with it.

I would much rather *have* a Leopard tank than a useless painting of a fop in pumpkin pants.

Heat and cold are a matter of discipline.

Why yes, I *am* freezing my ass off, but it's undignified to whine.

Anyone who objects will be sent to Alaska!

I'm glad everyone understands their orders. Good luck, men!

Nobody's ever survived once he's hated by me.

It doesn't offend my masculinity to pursue you so long as I pretend it's for revenge.

I will never forgive you!

I am embarrassed that you seem to have gotten the better of me. It won't happen again.

Avoid indecent subjects.

Say something inane to take my mind *off* indecent subjects.

The color of highly-polished steel is also a very beautiful thing, you know.

Look, look, I'm trying to flirt back with dignity!

I'm a professional.

Damn, I impress myself.

Don't get in my way!

I have too much pride to accept your help. Don't expect any thanks, either!

When did I say what I liked? Are you gonna steal it again!?

Don't mind me being a panicky and paranoid repressed-homosexual at the thought of you breaking into my house in the middle of the night.

Shut the fuck up, you foppish queer!

Keep those words for privacy!

Mary had a little la~amb...

I had a messed up childhood.

You've interfered with my mission as usual!

I really appreciate you saving my life and all.

I dislike what I dislike!

I can't say outright that I don't like you because that'd be lying.

Nobody but that curly-haired son-of-a-bitch would do this kind of foppish thing!

Wow -- the Earl impressed me again. He's quite a man.

They'll run current to your groin!

The Major has some interesting sexual fantasies.
(With much thanks to Yoiko for this one ~_^)