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Author's Chapter Notes:

This bit of cracked out silliness came about because I was in a silly mood after reading too many D & K in bed fics. Actually, I blame [info]the_reverand.

By Margaret Price

Excerpts from the runaway best seller: Eberbach’s Dos & Don’ts of Sexual Intimacy Or Foppish Bullshit to Help You Get Laid, by Klaus von dem Eberbach, formerly of NATO.


During my long military career, I have found that research into any and all situations is a valuable asset. With this in mind, I researched the many aspects of physical intimacy when it became impossible to avoid it any longer. One of the things I learned is that people want to be lied to in an intimate relationship rather than receive the unvarnished truth. In short, I have learned that threatening to kill one's lover during sex is inappropriate. This is to be reserved for situations outside the bedroom. – KvdE

DOs & DON’Ts

If your partner says, “I’m cold.”;
DO NOT: Tell them that heat and cold are a matter of disciple.
DO: Ask them if they would like you to warm them up.
FOPPISH RESPONSE: “Would you like to cuddle?”

If your partner asks you to perform an act that you find distasteful.
DO NOT: Call them a fucking pervert.
DO: Ask for more details and pretend to listen.
FOPPISH RESPONSE: “I’m not sure I can do that. Tell me more.”

If your partner prefers a particular mode of dress;
DO NOT: Ask what possessed them to buy such a hideous outfit.
DO: Ask where they purchased it so you can return it at a later date.
FOPPISH RESPONSE: “That outfit is stunning. Wherever did you get it?”

If your partner comments on one of your co-worker’s appearance;
DO NOT: Immediately have them sent to Alaska.
DO: Have them sent to Alaska in the future.
FOPPISH RESPONSE: “I never noticed. What good taste you have.”

If your partner says, “I love you,” while in bed;
DO NOT: Tell them “Whatever,” and go to sleep.
DO: Give a positive response, thus guaranteeing that you’ll get laid.
FOPPISH RESPONSE: “I love you, too.”

If you want your partner to take the submissive position;
DO NOT: Tell them, “Bottoms up!”
DO: Compliment their anatomy.
FOPPISH RESPONSE: “I just want to watch the lively action of your body.”

If your partner asks you to take the submissive position;
DO NOT: Tell them “No way in hell.”
DO: Pretend to consider the request.
FOPPISH RESPONSE: “Then I can’t look into your beautiful eyes.”


-- Threaten one’s partner with grievous bodily harm when initiating sex. Unless one’s partner is a perverted degenerate, it can quickly kill the mood.

-- Threaten to kill one’s partner before, during or after sex. This is for outside of intimate settings.

--Threaten to kill a partner’s co-workers or employees, no matter how irritating they may be. Threatening them with grievous bodily harm is more effective at keeping them at bay.

-- Call one’s partner a pervert, faggot, degenerate, or any other derogatory epithet in the bedroom. Even if it’s true.

-- Fall asleep when one’s partner is attempting to “discipline” you during S&M game play.

-- Hide all the sex toys.

-- Gag one’s partner to avoid listening to foppish nonsense.


Limit the use of the word “fuck” when in the bedroom. It can give one’s partner the wrong idea.

Weapons are not for the bedroom, even during foreplay.

Gun oil is not a suitable substitute for lubricant.

More to come…?

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