There are certain Laws of Nature here on Earth that remain immutable, inviolate, unbreakable. The sun always rises in the East and sets in the West. Gravity is a one-way proposition. There is no justice in figure skating. No matter how hard-working you are, you'll never be promoted to the rank you deserve if your Chief is a slug.
And, above all, it's entirely probable that Dorian Red Gloria, the Earl of Gloria, will continue to be the most frivolous, ridiculous, foppish faggot the world has ever known until the day he dies.
These are the Laws of Nature that have governed my life, to the extent that a life such as mine can be governed.
You can imagine my surprise when I discovered that the Laws of Nature might just be suggestions, after all.*
Dorian nearly jumped out of his skin at the sound of the Major's voice. He hadn't expected anyone--least of all Major Klaus Heinz von dem Eberbach--to be lurking in his bedroom! Pulling himself together, he turned to face the smirking German.
"Darling," he said a bit weakly. "What a pleasant surprise." After a moment's pause as he considered what Klaus had just said, he added, "But... what do you mean by that?"
"You win. You've been pursuing me for years. I'm tired of running. Let's do it," Klaus said, and as Dorian watched, wide-eyed, the German slowly removed his suit jacket and folded it over the back of a chair.
"You can't be serious."
"When am I ever not serious?"
"You have a point there," Dorian said, shell-shocked. "Er... tomorrow night. Come back tomorrow night."
"Why not tonight? After 20 years, you want to *wait*?"
"I'm not ready tonight," Dorian stammered, pressing the jacket back into Klaus's hands. "But I will be tomorrow. Come back tomorrow."
"All... all right," Klaus said, and left as quietly as he'd come, looking completely baffled.
The very next day, all Hell broke loose, and Dorian was right in the middle of it. It started with a ridiculously reckless break-in--into the office of NATO's Supreme Allied Commander Europe, no less!
"WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?" Klaus wanted to know. "You have some immunity thanks to your work for NATO, but they won't protect you if you do things like THIS!"
Dorian had merely smiled at him. "It's all well in hand, Major," he said, and continued smiling as Klaus stormed out of the small containment room they'd locked the thief into.
It took Klaus several minutes to realize that Dorian hadn't called him "Darling," and by the time he made his way back to the room to yell until Dorian started behaving *normally,* the thief was gone.
All 26 members of the Alphabet were sent home to start packing for Alaska.
And Dorian broke into the office of the Supreme Allied Commander Europe. Again.
This time, he wasn't caught. Instead, the building was suddenly flooded with CIA agents, and Klaus found *himself* locked in the little containment room.
"Hello," said a familiar voice. Klaus looked up to see Dorian, flanked by two CIA agents. All three of them looked immensely pleased with themselves. "Major Eberbach, these are CIA Agents Jones and Smith."
"What the FUCK is going on?!?" Klaus demanded with his usual flair for tactful expression.
"I figured you deserved an explanation," Dorian said, and that was when Klaus realized that the thief's British accent was... *gone.* "First of all, I'm not who you think I am. I'm not English. And I'm not really a thief. I've been working undercover for the CIA for all this time."
"All this... all these years?" Klaus asked, feeling as though he'd fallen through the looking-glass.
"It was suspected that your Supreme Allied Commander Europe, Ritter Pferd, was involved with the KGB. I was assigned to try to gather evidence."
"It was harder working my way into contact with NATO than you might think! And I really thought that you, of all people, would promote quickly, thus enabling me to come into contact with higher-ranking members of NATO. You were such a model officer."
"I also thought that, given your reputation, it would be perfectly safe to play it up as 'a fucking faggot.' That way, no suspicion would be aroused, for you or any of your superiors, during those times I couldn't be easily found."
"Me. And I must say, Major, it's certainly a relief to have this case over and done with. After our little... conversation last night, I was in a bit of a hurry to get the business concluded."
"Ritter Pferd's been busted, and will be put to trial for treason," Agent Smith said. "The rest of your people will be back to business as usual in no time."
"It's Roy. Roy Connor."
"But nothing. I can't say it's been a pleasure working with you, Major, but it *has* been educational."
"Case closed," Agent Jones interrupted. "Pferd's going to prison, NATO is going back to normal, and the CIA will be cleaning up and getting out of Dodge."
"And," Roy Connor said, grinning, "I'm going to go home, and sleep with my wife!"
~~~~~*Fuck the Laws of Nature. I think this calls for a drink.
...Maybe a few gallons' worth. *