I hope that these site design tips will prove useful to future NATO agents who may serve under the Major. Through intense trial and error, I have discovered these to be the most important things to remember in designing a web page which the Major will see.

1. Above all things, avoid using flowers of any kind, especially roses, on your web page or the Major will rip your head off.

2. Avoid using the color red, or the Major will demand to know if you're trying to remind him of "that foppish idiot."

3. Avoid embedded midi files, or the Major will demand to know what kind of idiot you are. There *is* no right answer to that question.

4. Avoid popups of any kind, or the Major will ask you whether you've packed for Alaska yet.

5. Avoid large graphic files, or the Major will reduce your three-minute bathroom break to one minute.

6. Avoid mysterious, impossible-to-navigate menus or the Major will threaten to demote you to traffic cop.

7. Avoid typos, misspellings and grammatical errors or the Major will call your Alma Mater and inform the school president that schooling was a complete waste of time and money in your case.