THIS NEVER HAPPENED
By Margaret Price

Chapter One

Running, Hiding, And...Sex?

"You are about to see Eroica's darkest secret, Major," the Earl said in a low voice as he and the Major crept down an alleyway in London.

"God dammit, Eroica," the Major growled in an equally low voice, "can't you keep your mind out of the gutter for five minutes!"

It was bad enough the Earl had appeared during yet another of the Major's missions, but things became even worse when the KGB quickly followed, cutting the officer off from his men. They had not taken into consideration the fact that they were on Eroica's home turf, and were enraged and bewildered when Iron Klaus vanished from the area in which they thought they had cornered him.

Eroica threw the Major a dazzling smile. "As much as I'd love to, well..." He let his eyes rake over the man's body a moment. "This really isn't the time or place, is it?" He grinned all the more at the annoyed growl this statement produced.

"Eroica..." the Major began dangerously.

Eroica cautiously peeked around the corner and then led the way down the sidewalk. To the Major's astonishment, he was suddenly being dragged into a...a...

"A brothel?"

"My lord!" a voice cried out delighted. "Oh, my darling Lord Gloria!"

The pair turned to see a tall dark-haired woman dressed in a long red dress moving elegantly towards them. "It's been so long," she said, going on to amaze the watching Major by pecking the Earl on the cheek. Then the officer looked closer and felt his face start to flush as he realized that the "woman" was really a man in drag.

Bloody hell, where's he brought me?

"Oh, not that long, my dear Madam Lin," the Earl grinned.

Madam Lin turned a sparkling smile in the Major's direction, looked him up and down, and caught his breath, a hand going to his mouth. "Oh, darling, don't tell me this is the famous German Major you've been telling us about all these years?"

"Now, Lin, behave yourself," Eroica reproved sharply, going on to make a quick introduction.

"I knew it!" Lin bubbled on. "You look exactly the way the Earl described you! Can you really fire a Magnum one-handed?"

"Would you like a demonstration?" the Major replied dangerously.

"Major, you behave, too," Eroica reproved before turning back to Lin. "We need to hideout here for a while," he explained. "There are some very nasty KGB men following the Major who want to do even nastier things to him."

"Oh, Good God, darling, say no more," Lin said, waving a hand in the air. "There were a couple of those ghastly beasts in here last week. The men have the manners of...farm animals."

The Major could not prevent the small smile that came to his face upon hearing this.

"I doubt they'll think to look for us here," the Earl went on, "but if we could hide in one of the back rooms...?"

An appalled expression came to Lin's face. "Back rooms! Good God, darling, you own the place. You can have the Bridal Suite. It's not occupied at the moment."

The Major made a small strangled noise as he turned an astonished look in Earl's direction. "Own the place?"

Eroica gave him a bright smile, absently playing with one of his blond curls. "Well, I told you it was my darkest secret, Major."

"And so long as you keep that horrible accountant of yours away from the place, you're the best boss in the world," Lin smiled before turning on his elegant high heels and leading the way upstairs.

* * *

The Major looked around the room in an appalled silence. This is definitely a room that belongs in a brothel, he thought as he lit a cigarette and dropped into one of the very ornate and probably very expensive chairs.

"How long do you think you'll be hiding out, my darling Lord Gloria?" Lin asked sweetly.

"Difficult to say. The KGB don't give up easily." Eroica threw a quick glance in the Major's direction. "And they might come looking, just to be thorough."

The Major gave a non-communicative grunt upon hearing this but that was all.

"We'll keep an eye out for them, darling," Lin said happily, giving the Earl another kiss on the cheek. "A few of the girls have some...issues from the last time they were here. We'll see they don't stay long if they do show up."

Eroica grinned and closed the door, going on to lock it. Then he turned to the glowering Major. "Alone at last," he sighed.

The Major gave him a dark look. "It's bad enough I have to put up with you, you bloody pervert," the officer growled. "Did you have to bring me to a whore house?"

"Oh, don't be like that, Major," Eroica said as he crossed the room. "We have this whole, lovely room all to ourselves and you sit there smoking."

"I'd be smoking and drinking if there were a bar in this..." The Major waved a hand, taking in the room.

Eroica brightened. "There is a bar, as it happens." He went to a piece of furniture that the Major had thought was a wardrobe. Instead, it turned out to be a very extensive bar.

"Well, I'll be damned." The Major crushed out his cigarette, got to his feet, and went to look over the impressive assortment of alcohol. If he weren't hiding from the KGB, he would've gotten very happily smashed at that moment.

Eroica fixed the officer a drink and handed it to him, his eyebrows going up when he knocked it back in one go and then held the glass out again. "You're not going to be able to complete your mission if you get drunk, Major," he observed as he refilled the glass.

The Major gave a grunt. "My mission's fucked," he grumbled, downing the second drink almost as quickly as the first.

The Earl was about to prepare his own drink and stopping, turning to meet the other man's gaze levelly. He took the glass out of his hand and practically pounced on him, capturing his mouth in a passionate kiss. The Major made a surprised noise when this happened, finding himself being pushed backwards as the Earl pressed against him, his hands tangling in his hair. When he was finally released from the kiss, the Major found himself backed up against the King-sized bed.

"What did you say about your mission again?" Eroica asked breathlessly.

The stunned officer actually had to think about this. "Erm...I said it was fucked," he replied dazedly.

"That's what I thought."

The pair stood eye to eye for a frozen moment. Then Eroica locked his lips on the Major's mouth again. A moment later, it was as if they could not get their clothes off fast enough. Buttons were undone, belts unfastened, zippers opened, clothing pulled off, all to end up in a tangled heap on the floor after the wild frenzy to undress.

The Major stood staring at the Earl as if uncertain what to do next.

"Shall I rape you, my beautiful Major?" Eroica said breathlessly.

"No." So saying, the Major gave the Earl a quick shove onto the bed and then followed, sitting on top of him. He took hold of Eroica's hands, pinning them together on the mattress above his head.

"Oh, Major, you're so...aggressive," Eroica cooed. "Are you gonna rape me?" he whispered as his legs were roughly pushed apart. "You know I'm ready for you..." The Earl watched as the Major's pupils dilated in response this, feeling the unmistakable hardness of the man's erection pressing against him.

The Major reached down with his free hand, getting himself into position before giving a sharp thrust into the Earl's body. Eroica responded with a sharp gasp followed by a moan of pleasure, his back arching as the Major started to thrust into him, faster and faster. He reached up with trembling hands, grabbing the officer's shoulders.

Within a minute, the Earl was writhing against the onslaught, his hips moving in time with the Major's powerful thrusts. Then, just as quickly as it started, it was over. The Major gave a final thrust and groaned loudly as he climaxed, empting himself into the Earl's body.

"No!" Eroica cried. "That was too bloody fast!" He reached down to give himself release, only to have his wrists caught by powerful hands and pinned to the mattress. "Swine!" he hissed, struggling unsuccessfully to pull free. "Let me go!"

"Nein."

The Major had not yet extracted himself from the other man's body and was somewhat surprised when the Earl's struggles triggered another erection. An evil smile came to his face and he gave the Earl a sideways glance before he pushed down harder on his hands. "Just try to get away," he taunted.

"I should've known you'd be a selfish bugger," Eroica snapped, kicking his feet as he fought to get his hands free. Then he froze, feeling the growing erection inside him. "You-!" His words were cut off when the Major leaned down, capturing his mouth in a very forceful kiss. A few seconds later, he was thrusting into the man's body a second time, driving him mad with pleasure.

This time, Eroica came at almost the same time as the Major. He wrapped his legs around him, locking himself against his body. He lay panting on the bed as the officer extracted himself and used the sheet to clean himself off before silently dressing.

"Oh God, Major," Eroica sighed. He sprawled further onto the bed, a contented smile on his face. "That was..." He closed his eyes, and gave a moan of pleasure. "I never dreamed you would be so...intense!" He opened his eyes when he heard a click and saw the Major lighting a cigarette. Then his clothes were practically thrown into his face.

"Get dressed," came the terse order.

There was a soft knock at the door scarcely a few seconds later that was followed by Madam Lin's voice. "My lord, the KGB was just here. The girls chased them away. It's safe for you to leave now."

"Thank you, Lin!" the Earl called back, and hurriedly finished dressing. He looked over at the Major, who met his gaze levelly. "Major?"

"This never happened."

* * *