The room full of 24 agents (with Agent E arrived from Russian and briefed on the current situation just two days ago) froze as they heard the footsteps echoing through the halls of NATO. They hadn't heard the steps in two months, but there wasn't any mistake. They held their collective breath as they waited for the door to crash open.

Major Klaus Heinz von dem Eberbach appeared in the doorway in full dress uniform, smoking his characteristic cigarette. Aside from a faint scar next to his right eye, he looked the same as he had when the unit had convened 20 years ago. Several of the agents marveled silently at how age and injury never touched the man, who was now 50 years old. Not a single sign of wrinkles touched his face, there was no white or thinning to his shoulder-length black hair, and he had miraculously not developed a cough from his chain smoking habit. Perhaps living up to his impossible standards had their benefit. His green eyes darted around the room to each of the Agents, settling on G briefly, then he stomped his way over to his office door.

He paused in front of it and stared hard at the pictures still hung on the door, from the mission in England. The blood simultaneously drained from every agent's face in the room.

"Agent A!" he barked. "What are these pictures doing here!"

"Sir!" Agent A stood shakily to his feet. "Y-you... hung them yourself several months ago! None of us touched them!"

The Major turned to face Agent A. His eyes narrowed as he continued to yell at the top of his voice. "You bloody idiots stared at these pictures the entire time I was gone?! What is wrong with you!"

"Sir! I-I... I can take them down right now!"

The Major stared at Agent A a bit longer, taking a slow drag on his cigarette. "Leave them!" He went into his office and slammed the door.

He reopened it a few seconds later. The slumped-over Agent A snapped back to attention.

"Men!" The Major bellowed. 24 men snapped to attention all over the room. Every single one was in a gray dress uniform with a black beret for the ceremony later in the day. Agent A was a Lieutenant, most of the rest were ranked Warrant Officers. Agent G was a corporal. 

He took the cigarette out of his mouth. Various agents had always marveled over the fact he could bellow commands while still smoking a cigarette. The Major looked out over the crowd with narrow eyes.

"I am to receive a promotion today. I will recommend each and every one of you for the same. You are good men, and have never very seriously failed me on a mission." He took a short puff on his cigarette. "We have worked together for years. I could not ask for a better group. I know I am difficult to work for, but I am proud of you for obeying my orders all these years. It is why we have had more successful missions than any of the other intelligence units."

The Major was silent for a moment. Most men had expressions of barely-contained shock on their faces.

"I... deeply regret the loss of Agents B and C. It could have happened to any one of us over the years, but it never did, and we may have stopped watching for it. Those terrorists were some of the most cold-blooded opponents we've had in a long time, and worked a rather vicious trick on NATO itself."

He threw his cigarette on the ground, stamped it out, then saluted the men. "I look forward to many more years and successful missions with you. Agents B and C will not be replaced." He took his hand down. "The ceremony is at 11:00. You are dismissed until that time."

He turned on his heel and went back in his office, not slamming the door for the first time in recent memory. Most of the Agents looked from one to another with undisguised shock and wariness on their faces. The Major never complimented them. Perhaps the incident had shook him more than it seemed. Agent G merely looked confused.

"Agent G! In my office!" The Major yelled from behind the door.

The rest of the agents jumped. G looked around them room, shrugged his shoulders, then went into the office.

The Major was behind his large desk, shifting leisurely through the mounds of paperwork with a cigarette once again hanging from his lips. He looked up as soon as G shut the door.

"Agent G. When was the last time you wore your uniform to work?"

Agent G shrugged. "It's been awhile." He paused, then switched languages. >"I don't think you've ever seen me in my uniform, Earl."<

A broad grin spread across the Major's face, looking eerily out of place. He stubbed his cigarette out in the overflowing ashtray. >"No, I don't believe I have. You look absolutely stunning in a uniform, G."<

G blushed. >"Yes, but I never really feel myself in men's clothes."<

The Earl leaned forward. >"I happen to have a weakness for men in uniform."<

G blushed harder. >"I don't think that's any secret, Earl. I'm surprised you didn't say anything to Z when you came in."<

>"Oh, it was hard. I promised not to do anything that would give myself away, on pain of death. I think he really would kill me this time."< The Earl grimaced, once again looking both eerie and hilarious since he bore such a striking resemblance to the Major.

>"How did you talk him into letting you do this?"<

>"Easily. I was quite persistent, and the Major hates these ceremonies anyway. He was injured rather badly, you know, and still isn't quite himself. I think he was worried the NATO brass would see his weakness and not give him any more missions. He still acts himself, and you would never guess, but I think he'll feel more comfortable if he came back and just avoided this ceremony."<

>"Well, that's true, you know. There was a rumor going around that he'd gone blind on one side. I think the only reason he's getting such a huge promotion is that they aren't really planning on sending him out on missions anymore."< G looked thoughtful, then smiled. >"If he shows up looking and acting himself, though, there isn't really any reason to stop giving him missions, especially since the last one was, for all intents and purposes, very successful, even as an enemy set-up."<

The Earl breathed a sigh of relief. >"I think he'll be happy to hear that. In his way."<

>"Still, it's not at all like the Major to give you security clearance into NATO. I think Lawrence got seriously reprimanded when he let you in that time before. I don't even think you could charm me into letting you in here. And he gave you all his own codes!"<

The Earl smiled. >"He knows I won't steal anything inside NATO. And, as I said, if I botch this, I think he really will kill me. With his bare hands. And then kill himself."< The Earl frowned and then let his eyes stray to the door. >"They are all listening at the door, aren't they?"<

>"Yes, of course. We always like it when one of us gets singled out for punishment, it takes the heat off the group."<

>"None of them can understand what we say, can they?"<

G laughed. >"No. He tested all of them when we got back from that mission in England. I shook him pretty badly."<

The Earl bit his tongue to keep from laughing out loud and breaking character. >"Well. Will any of the others suspect that I'm not really the Major?"<

G thought about it a moment before answering. >"No. I think I'm the only one that would notice. I'd be able to tell the difference between you and the Major no matter how you were disguised."<

The Earl smiled and leaned back into his chair. >"G, you are marvelous. I would hire you for my team if you didn't work at NATO, you know. The Major thinks pretty highly of you as well. He and I had a bet. He bet I couldn't fool you, I thought I could. He wins, I suppose."<

G blushed again, thrilled to be so well-thought-of by the Major. >"I wasn't sure until you gave the speech. I knew the real Major would never say anything like that."<

The Earl raised his eyebrows, once again looking comical on the Major's face. >"Oh, but that was the Major's speech. He wanted me to give it. Said he would have a hard time with it himself, and as long as I was coming, he wanted me to pass that along. Wrote it all down for me. It made me smile that he couldn't say it out loud. You know how he is. He complains a lot, but he can't do everything by himself, and he trusts you all with his life."<

Agent G nodded, amazed. >"They aren't words I would expect to hear coming out of his mouth, but all the same, I suppose you are right."< G paused, then commented. >"They will have a recorder out before too long, trying to get everything on tape and to the cipher department. They won't trust my word since the conversation has gone on so long. I'd better leave."<

>"As you say then, G."< The Earl inclined his head at his desk in acknowledgement. >"It is always a pleasure talking to you."<

G bowed to excuse himself, and turned to leave. With his hand on the door, he turned and looked over his shoulder.

>"I should ask, how are things between you two, then? I've missed you on those missions, you know, and I suspected the two of you had some sort of arrangement worked out."<

The Earl smiled, and bit his tongue to keep from laughing. >"He really will kill me if I say anything about that, even to you."<

Agent G grinned broadly once again. >"All right, then."< He went through the door and closed it.

The Earl heard a murmur of conversation on the other side, and something to the effect of Agent G taking the tape they had just started. Then everything quieted into a susurrus of whispers, and Dorian closed his eyes and breathed in the smells of the office.

He had nearly lost face as soon as he had seen those pictures on the office door. Despite any malicious intent the Major might have pretended when he hung them, he knew they were still there because the Major genuinely liked them. He had forgotten that the Major had mentioned he'd hung them there, and it had been like an arrow through the heart when he'd seen them. The Earl teared up a bit, allowing himself to get a bit sentimental. He swiveled around to face the wall as he collected himself, out of fear of having someone walk in on him.

He turned back towards the desk. He sighed and wished there was something he could do about the paperwork, but he promised not to touch anything. As much as the Major hated doing it, it was really all Greek to Dorian, as much as he would have liked to make the mess disappear for his beloved.

Curious, and not able to help himself, he began rummaging through the Major's desk. He found more file folders, and several pocket dictionaries in a number of languages. He found an old ledger that seemed to have expense figures going back a number of years, and he found an entire drawer crammed full of packages of cigarettes. The Earl stifled a laugh.

In the back of the bottom drawer, he found a dagger, a small revolver, and something in a box. He cracked open the box, and his heart nearly broke.

It was a lighter that Dorian had given him aboard the Trans-European "Hallelujah" Express, on their third or fourth encounter and their first mission together. Dorian had said something silly when he handed it to him. It was silver and had the Major insignia engraved on it. He had it custom made as a Christmas present, but more as a joke, really. He hadn't really fancied the man until after that mission. He had still never been as frightened in his life as when the Major had pointed his gun at him when he was fleeing the police through the forest afterwards, in Rome. He... he hadn't been sure that the Major didn't really see him as a dangerous villain before then. When he pulled his shot, the Earl knew he could get away with everything short of murder. He had fallen hard at the beginning of the mission, but that was what had given him the hope to continue. He'd taken several punches from the Major over the years, but he knew the Major would never seriously turn him over or do him harm.

He gripped the lighter as he let the tears fall down his face. What a silly, sentimental thing to keep! And it wasn't fair! He had played at throwing it off the train when he had received it. The Earl hadn't thought of it in years. He also couldn't remember the first gift the Major had given him. Some lovestruck fool he was, being outdone by the stoic, angry, pompous Major.

He carefully wiped his fingerprints from it and put it back in the plain wooden box at the back of the drawer, just as he had found it. He would never mention it. He wiped his face and collected himself before sitting back up in his chair and pretending to rifle through the same stack of papers.

It was harder at playing the Major than he thought.

*****

The Earl hummed happily to himself as he pulled into the Major's driveway and parked the black Mercedes he was driving next to an identical model. The Earl guessed that the Major had flown back to Hamburg and driven the car back while he had been at the ceremony today. He swung out of the car and continued with the Major's military cadence to his steps until he passed through the doors of the castle and was greeted by the butler.

"Earl Gloria! The master is waiting for you in the smoking room." The butler said, seemingly delighted to see him. He turned and began walking down the hall.

"Isn't every room the smoking room in this castle?" The Earl quipped halfheartedly, still taking in the art on the walls. The Major still had a criminally fine collection for a man who would simply just cover them in cigarette smoke.

The Butler wisely avoided the question. "You look so much like the master dressed like that! It was unlike him to not go into work today, but sending you instead was a good idea. He hates those ceremonies. Did anyone suspect that you weren't really him?"

The Earl smiled. "Only you, good sir."

The butler stopped at a doorway and put his hand on the knob, but the Earl stopped him and put a finger to his lips and winked. He then pulled a cigarette from his pocket and lit it, then burst through the door.

"You lazy sod! What have you been up to all day?! Do you not have anything better to do than lay around the house and act useless? This is what's wrong with the world today, it's lazy degenerates like you!" The Earl stormed across the room to finish his tirade, capped off with a string of German curses, directly in front of the Major.

The Major watched silently with an identical cigarette in his mouth. When the Earl was finished, he stood, glared for a moment, and exhaled a cloud of smoke wordlessly into the man's face.

"Did anyone know?"

The Earl scowled. "Spoilsport!"

"I am not in the mood for your games right now, thief." The Major drawled. "You've had your fun for the day, now tell me how it went."

"Smashing. G was the only one that noticed." The Earl said, removing his beret and placing it atop the Major's head.

The Major smirked triumphantly. "I told you he would know. You owe me now. What gave you away?"

"Your bloody speech! G said he knew it was me when I gave that speech. Said nothing like that would ever leave your mouth. And good luck prying that money out of James." The Earl took his turn smirking, undoing the buttons on the jacket of the uniform.

The Major frowned. "He's right. That's why you had to go instead. It needed to be said."

The Earl removed the jacket and walked around behind the Major, sliding it on over his arms and shoulders, then walked around to the front to button it up. The Earl was surprised that the man was tolerating it. He appeared to be wearing the appropriate slacks and shoes to match, which was no end of impressive.

"It was a fine speech, Major, and I'm sure your men appreciated it, after the shock wore off." He buttoned the last button. "Well, you're a Major-General now, I suppose. That doesn't roll off the tongue quite as well, though." The Earl frowned and stood back, admiring the Major-General in his dress uniform.

Major-General Klaus Heinz von dem Eberbach walked over to a mirror, inspecting his new insignia. He walked back over to the Earl, removed his beret, and snatched the wig that the Earl was still wearing and put it on his head, replacing the beret and walking back over to the mirror.

>"Just call me by my first name. That will be fine."<

The Earl walked over to the mirror and put his hands on the man's shoulders. >"If you like. You have to stop using my title then, too. And Eroica. And thief. You don't use my title properly anyway, it should always be 'Earl Gloria.'"<

The Major was avoiding looking at the Earl in the mirror. >"Dorian is such a foppish name."<

>"Ah, but it suits me perfectly, don't you think?"<

>"Yes."< Klaus spun around to embrace Dorian, giving him a long, slow kiss. He pulled away after a minute.

>"You taste like cigarettes, you know."< He said, frowning.

Dorian laughed. >"You always taste like cigarettes! I'll take up smoking again if I ever have to give up kissing you."<

He pulled Klaus in for another kiss, a longer one this time. Klaus looked into his eyes afterwards, and stepped back.

>"Take those ridiculous color contacts out. Dinner will be ready in a few minutes, so meet me back in the dining room. Is there anything else I should know about today? I won't come back to any surprises tomorrow?"<

The Earl thought a moment as he walked over to the far door. >"No. They took a portrait of you with all your men in uniform. It should be a nice one. I know it won't be of you, but you'll probably like it anyway. Bring a copy home, I'd like to see it."<

The Major lit a cigarette as he went out the opposite door towards the dining room. >"Whatever."<

*****

As the two of them sat eating their meal in silence, Dorian let his thoughts mull over the night before. There was something nagging at the back of his mind. He decided to push his luck and try to have a conversation about sex with Klaus. He started carefully in Russian.

"Klaus, darling, when did you know you were gay?" He began, figuring the direct approach was the easiest.

The Major looked up from across the table, swallowing his food and glaring at him. "Not until I had sex with you!" He spat in Russian, hastily going back to his food.

The Earl's eyes widened. "So, before last night, you never found men attractive?"

"No."

"So it had always been women before me, then?"

"Women? What do you mean? I already told you I hadn't... I hadn't even kissed anyone but you. Are you trying to provoke me?" The Major began dangerously.

"No! No, I don't mean it like that. I mean... when you... you know, had erotic thoughts. When someone caught your eye. Were they women before?"

"I do not have such thoughts, and that is not a reason people catch my eye."

"Oh, come now, Klaus. Everyone has those thoughts. Who was it that you had your first dreams about when you were a boy?"

"Dreams?" Klaus looked across the table, puzzled.

Now the Earl was becoming out of sorts. "You're putting me on. I'm only asking a simple question."

Klaus looked thoughtful for a moment, then blushed deeply, an effect the Earl found charming.  "You mean... dreams where I have sex with someone?"

"Yes." Why was this so difficult?

"I've only had one. When I was in high school. I dated a girl for years. It was about her."

One. Right. "So you were attracted to her, then?"

"No. She was not a very attractive girl." Klaus looked like he was having difficulty. "I... you know, I wouldn't  ever... I loved her, at the time. But that dream upset me, because I was so disgusted by the sex."

Dorian stared blankly, then continued quickly when it looked like Klaus was about to lose himself. "No, no, I understand. I can imagine you being very sweet to the girl, at a young age, you know. First love and all that. I can see how a dream like that would upset you." An awkward silence filled in after he finished the sentence. "What I was getting at, mostly, was just that... you know, who did you fancy before?"

"Just her."

"But you said she wasn't very attractive, and she was only a high school sweetheart. That was over thirty years ago!"

Klaus shrugged. "Just her."

"Lord, you must have really loved her to carry a torch all this time. What happened?"

Klaus frowned. "She did not like me as much as I liked her. We saw each other for six years, then she asked me to stop calling her when we went to college." He shrugged. "I was upset, but I had stopped thinking about it after a couple years. I hadn't thought about her in over 20 years, until my father died."

Dorian's eyebrows rose. "When your father died? Were the two of them close?"

"No. I thought that I was lucky that I wasn't attached to anyone after he died, and then I thought of her, who I was attached to years ago." Klaus was staring resolutely at the table during this conversation. Dorian could tell it was making him uncomfortable, but he wouldn't be this forthcoming unless he thought it was something Dorian should know.

"I'm sorry I don't have the same type of story, darling." Dorian began lightly, not sure if Klaus was looking for an exchange of information on lovers. "I've had a number of men since I was young. Some I was more serious about than others, most of them were pretty things without a thought in their head. Not something that really keeps me around, which tends to break their hearts. They were all good boys, but..." Here he shrugged. "I have always let passion and fancy rule me, I suppose. I haven't touched another man in twelve years, though, not since I fell in love with you. Drove me mad, not having you and wanting you so badly." He gave Klaus a wolfish grin.

Klaus lit a cigarette on the other side of the table, clearly uncomfortable. "Yes. I tried to find someone else. After... after Helene. When I was young, before I went to NATO. At the usual places, like bars and gatherings my father had." He took a thoughtful drag and exhaled. "I liked Helene because we liked the same things. The other women..." he shrugged. "They made it obvious that they only found me good-looking. It annoyed me, since it is not something I care about."

"But... certainly you were tempted by some of them? I can only imagine that at least a few were good-looking."

"I just told you, it is not something I care about."

"Well, I suppose that's because you are attracted to men."

"No. Men are worse. There is only you."

Dorian was touched, but would not say so out loud. Klaus took another drag on his cigarette and continued.

"I am surprised to hear that you have not had other men since you met me. With the way you act, I thought you were comfortable with many men. As you said you were earlier."

Dorian sighed. "Well, yes, but that's just my nature. As you know."

"Yes."

"And I flirted a lot with you because I liked you. I'm not like that with everyone, you know."

"I know. I didn't realize until much later. It was hard to realize when you kept teasing me with Agent G and Z."

"Well, those are good boys, and you're fun to tease. And let's not forget you and poor Agent A, going on about his wife as you do."

Klaus smirked. "That's different."

"It's no different! You're horrible to A."

Klaus frowned. "Yes, yes, it's no different. But Agent A ought to know I'm not serious anymore.  They have three children and age has not been kind to her. But she's still a good wife. I would stop if it wasn't still a funny joke after all these years."

"See?"

Klaus sighed and said nothing, stubbing out his cigarette in the ashtray, not willing to concede the point.

"Still. I am flattered that you would stop your other pursuits for me. Even when I tried to force you away for so long." He paused, then continued quickly. "Why?"

Dorian turned to look out the window. "Why did you finally say yes?"

Both were silent.

Just then, the cook came in to clear the dishes. Both men awkwardly watched as he cleaned the table. 

He turned to the Major and asked, in Russian, "Would you like any dessert for your guest tonight?" He smiled and looked over at Dorian.

The Major slammed his fists on the table, knocked his chair over as he stood up, and stalked out of the room, swearing loudly in German.

*****