The Earl had held firm to the Major's gloved hand after he had helped the man out of the limousine. The Major did everything short of calling attention by yanking his arm away. His face got red as he attempted to hold his anger in check while the English Nobility climbed the steps on either side of them. The pair came to a stop.
>"What do you think you are doing, thief?"< The Major asked, hissing below his breath and trying to look as expressionless as possible.
>"You know how hard it is to get here today. Nobody except Nobleman and one guest are allowed this service. Not even guards once inside the door. Even NATO, with enemies inside, could not get the Major in. You are my one guest. My mother and sister both asked. But I brought you. One guest is usually the wife. You will act like it here."<
>"I WILL DO NO SUCH THING."< The Major began losing his temper, then gained it again, putting his hand to the Earl's face and whispering in his ear when a handful of people stared at them.
>"Under no circumstances, not even the threat of World War III, will I pretend to be your partner. Do you understand?"< The Major was hissing rather loudly in the Earl's ear, hoping that his head and still voluminous hair hid the expression on his face from those walking by.
>"I do not think it much. You will hold hands. You will maybe hug, and sometimes touch on shoulder or arm and look sad. I can say that we will not kiss or do other things in front of the Queen and her dead sister. I am using your language. Do this for me."< Here the Earl grabbed the Major's face and gently turned it so that they were looking eye to eye. "Bitte."
The Major looked away from the thief's eyes, even while he still had a firm grip on his face. He considered it, and thought about how he felt. It wasn't even that what the Earl was asking made him angry. He realized he was angry because that bloody wanker had won a victory over him. The Major took a step or two away from the Earl and swore under his breath for several minutes in German while the two stood out on the steps. When he was finished, the Earl regarded him with an amused expression.
"Are we back to using our native languages, then?"
>"No."< The Major put his arm out for the Earl to take and let the anger over the victory pass. >"Let me know who you do and do not recognize when we get inside. Introduce me to as many people as you can."<
>"Good. Are you Mr. Schmidt today?"< The Earl asked, taking the Major's arm and continuing the ascent up the staircase.
>"No. Use my real name. I have reason to be here today outside of work, and it will be useful to see reactions if anyone is an undercover Neo-Nazi that recognizes me."< The Major held the door open for the Earl at the top of the steps and let the Earl pass through.
The Earl paused in the doorway. >"Really? It does not bother you to be introduced to the Queen and all the Lords as... as my partner? They will remember. I only meant to have fun a little bit when I said that."<
The Major shrugged and a disinterested expression crossed his face as he put his hand to the Earl's back and pushed him the rest of the way through the door. >"It is unfortunate, but most of the espionage community already thinks that we are partners. Aside from them, what do I care what the English think of me? It's not important. These people will not... date me."< The Major said, groping for the proper finish to the thought.
The Earl stopped in his tracks again and stared in wonder at the Major. >"So it is not that you are afraid of being thought of as a man who likes a man?"<
>"No, I don't care about that. Why would you think that mattered to me?"< The Major asked, genuinely puzzled as they approached the gathering room that stood before the main cathedral hall.
It was the Earl's turn to look angry. His eyes flashed as he looked at the Major. >"Because you have been..."< he paused, switching to whispered Russian. "Rejecting my advances for 12 years! How could I not think you were homophobic?!"
The Major's eyebrows raised, impressed at the thief's complete fluency in the language. >"Well, that is different. I do not like to be picked up. Especially so vigorously. And you are a nuisance who always seems to make my missions harder. Why was I supposed to like you?"<
The Earl, incensed, continued in Russian. "Why were you supposed to like me? Because I love you! I love you, and I have ever since we met! Surely after a year or so, it ceased to be a pick-up, Major."
>"Every flirtatious remark that comes out of your mouth is offensive to me. And it took me longer than a year to get used to it. I am still not used to it when I encounter it in the middle of a mission, Eroica."< The major's tone shifted, and he moved his eyes from the thief to the doorway where the nobles were gathering.
The Earl's anger abated. He kept his face still, then broke into a dazzling smile, took the Major's proffered arm, and began walking with him to the doorway. >"Well, I am the one who is shamed, now. It took me longer to know you than you to know me."<
>"Does this mean the flirting stops?"<
>"No. I like that. It is fun. You take your fun in other ways."<
>"Then we will only speak to each other in Plautdietsch. You can't flirt this way."<
>"This is what I mean when I say you take your fun. But I will use the language, if it is what partners use together."< The Earl looked over at him and gave him a lecherous stare as they stepped into the hall filled with the English Aristocracy.
*****
Damn. Plautdietsch could only stop the flirting for so long.
Whatever. The Major's mind switched back into mission mode as someone caught the Earl's attention as the pair entered the room. They made their way over to the Duke for a round of introductions.
*****
The Earl's mind was only half on the Duke's introduction to the Major as he mulled over the conversation the pair had just had.
So the Major... was what? Was he gay? Is that what he was trying to say? That he hadn't given the Earl the time of day all these years because the sin of picking up Iron Klaus was unforgivable? The Earl couldn't help but flirt. It was fun, and it was even more fun to see the Major fly off in a blind rage over it.
His thoughts darkened a bit. But... well, yes. The Major had been a lot more kind to him the past year or so. And that went back... how far? To... well, when was it... around the time his father had died? Yes, they'd had dinner not long after that, and the Earl had held his tongue. So had the Major.
Several things clicked into place.
And they'd had dinner several times after that. Both men had kept from needling the other. Well, they'd kept the needling to a minimum, anyway. He smiled at the memories, especially that fabulous meal and horseback riding through the Eberback estate.
And now, this, which the Major would have never agreed to before. He wouldn't have even consented to going to the funeral with the Earl, let alone act like they were lovers.
The Earl chuckled inwardly. What a shy boy! Well, the Earl knew where he stood now, at least. Let's see where a little more pushing got him.
*****
The funeral ceremony was beginning to disperse. The Earl had taken some liberties with the Major during their socializing and during the funeral itself. Not too much. He noted that there wasn't much resistance or reprimand, though he noticed that the Major only reciprocated once or twice. Well, that's fine. He's in full German military dress. Certainly the Peerage would get that he might be a conservative lover.
He was privately disappointed that the Major seemed to have his eye on a Marchioness. The poor girl had nearly jumped out of her skin when he'd introduced her to Major Klaus Hinz von dem Eberbach. The Earl had know the Marquess, but the man hadn't been married as far as he'd known. After the Major had urged him to grill the others in the room, nobody else had known the man was married either, and one friend confided that he was nearly certain that the old lecher had picked the girl up a few nights ago, and that she'd simply begged to be introduced as his wife at a real society function.
The Earl couldn't believe that the Marquess had thought to get away with that, since a Marquess wedding would be a society event, but perhaps he thought he could get away with it the same way the Earl was flying under the radar with the Major.
When the gathering began to disperse, the Major was out the door and after the flighty woman. Before he could take off, the Earl grabbed the man by the arm.
"What?!" He had snapped, angry at the distraction.
"Just remember, we have that soire to attend this evening, the one that darling prince invited us to. You will be able to make it, Klaus?"
The Major's eyes flashed at the casual use of his first name. He had to admit, however, that it was a perfect opportunity for surveilance, and he could probably sneak a couple of his agents in as well. "Yes, I will be there."
He began to pull away. The Earl stopped him by pulling close and whispering in his ear.
>"There is something that partners do when they part. It would be strange not to, especially at a function like this."<
The Major colored and nearly lost his temper, but a quick look around showed that the thief was right. He attracted attention wherever he went. The women were staring. It would look strange not to.
>"Very well. But for God's sake, make it quick. She's getting into her car."<
The Earl watched as the Major turned to face him and flushed crimson. He would have smiled if it hadn't ruined the moment. But still, it wasn't often you saw grown men that particular shade of red. Before the Major had time to regret his consent, the Earl put his hand on his shoulder and pulled him in for a kiss. It was deep, but brief. He didn't dare open his mouth, even though he knew it was a little strange not to. He pulled away and whispered >"Go!"< into the Major's ear.
The Major turned and walked away, quickly following the car. The traffic was so appalling because of the gawkers for the funeral that the Major would easily be able to follow her on foot until he could radio his agents with her location. His hand was on his sword as he stalked off down the street. The Earl allowed himself a smile. Swords were not part of the German dress uniform, but thank God the guards hadn't know that. They had been searched for guns and other weapons, so it was the only thing that the Major could get into the ceremony in case of trouble. Of course Lord Gloria had his family's sword, gifted by none other than Edward III. It was a cultural treasure and one of only a dozen such ancient weapons that existed among all ranks of the Peerage. It also still worked, and would have been more than sufficient if the Earl had to defend himself or, heaven forbid, the Queen.
He sighed as his eyes left the Major's back to stray along the faces in the gathered crowd. The Major was still careless about some things. Turned him down completely when he suggested waiting to come outside with that prince that had invited them in for the evening. The Earl turned to the Papparazzi that were behind the barrier. A tall young man had caught his eye as soon as they had exited the building. The Earl hoped the youth knew how to barter, and straightened the coronet on his head and flashed a winning smile as he walked over.
*****
The Major showed up at the Earl's castle a half hour before they were to meet the Prince. He had changed into a more casual suit, and looked agitated. The Earl had also changed into tight-fitting white pants with a gray silk shirt. He wore leather shoes and simple silver bracelets on his arms that matched the cross neclace around his neck. His curls were still bound up, this time in a black velvet ribbon. He put a black armband around his upper arm and handed another to the Major.
>"Did the chase go well?"<
>"No. And that dottering Marquess wasn't invited to this gathering we're attending tonight, either. I think I am wasting my time."<
>"No, the Prince doesn’t invite the fossils to his parties. Still, there will be royals there, and the girl didn't hear we were invited. If they want to act bad there, you would stop them."<
The corners of the Major's mouth quirked up into the beginnings of a smile. >"Yes, I will stop them from acting bad if worse comes to worse. But G and E are also going, and they could stop things as well. I'm not sure about the men I set on that girl."< He frowned. >"And I meant to ask about that. Why were we invited to a party full of young people? It is very suspicious. Perhaps a trap."<
The Earl smirked. >"No, not a trap. The Prince and others think I am 26. This is what I tell them. Because you do not smile and have no lines on your face, you look about 30. The Prince thinks we are young."<
The Major made a dissatisfied noise in his throat. >"I still think it might be a trap. We will need to be vigilant."<
>"I am always vigilant when you are around. But we will know when we see the men with newspapers and sunglasses that we have been stood up."< The Earl winked at him and walked out to the Lamborghini.
>"We will be set up, not stood up, if we see that. And I will have bigger problems if I see KGB agents at that party."<
The two men hopped into the car and Dorian made his way to the Prince's residence.
*****
>"I don't think this party is going anywhere."< The Major stated, surveying the crowd once again looking for any sign of suspicious activity.
>"You are right. Normally the parties are better than this."< The Earl shrugged and sipped at his drink. It was truly dreadful. But then again, they had all just come from a funeral, so it wasn't really expected to be lively. He allowed his eyes to stray to the backside of a sweet young man that strolled by. He tried to catch the Earl's eye, but the Earl gave him a gentle brush-off and turned to Klaus.
>"That is not what I mean. Are you sure we have spoken to everyone here?"<
>"Yes.I had to act a lot nicer with the way you almost knock people over when they come in. It isn't natural."<
>"Whatever."< The Major polished off his second glass of brandy, not sure how much more of this party he could take. He lit a cigarette.
>"If you're bored, we could try talking about the same thing we were in the church."< The Earl put a hand on the Major's shoulder and stepped in closer.
The Major glanced at the hand and briefly let his mind wander back to their earlier conversation. >"Yes, you are right. When did you get so good at Russian?"<
The Earl laughed, then answered in Russian. "How long were you dealing with KGB agents, Major? The way I kept running into you, I was worried I really would be dragged through Red Square eventually, and I wanted to know what they said about me while it happened."
The Major shrugged. >"You could have just left me alone and not had to learn Russian."<
The Earl wasn't going to be deterred from his goal. "And miss out on all those missions with you? Or how about our recent time together?" The Earl paused and looked down, once again hoping that his admission didn't sound insincere. He switched from Russian back to Plautdietsch. >"I will not joke, when we are kind to one another, I enjoy our time much more."< The Earl blushed a little, hoping his hunch about taking a roundabout way would work, and continued. >"This past year, I have found out that you are a friend that is different from all my other friends. I can talk to you about things I can't bring up with other people. I haven't told my men about Borogoves."<
The Earl put his hand on the Major's shoulder and looked away.
>"I know saying this... is hard, for both of us, but I think... I think it is important that you know I do not only like to make fun. I also like to talk."< He met the Major's eyes. >"Just like a friend. I think if we saw each other for dinner a lot, I would stay away from you and work. It also seems to make you... very kind?"< The Earl switched to English briefly, "Relaxed?" and then continued, >"I think it is good that you do this occasionally."<
The Major had turned crimson again and turned his head away from the thief's intense stare. >"Where do you suggest we meet then?"<
>"In England? The Lords think we are partners."<
The Major smirked a little through his blush. >"You do not mix often with the Peerage because you do not want them finding out you are Eroica. I know it was hard enough to keep the miser away all day, can you do it if you regularly meet with those types?"<
The Earl groaned aloud. >"Yes, James would follow and give me away. It is why I told him to go to America during the funeral week. He can't but steal things and be loud, and people would notice and wonder why Earl hangs around with thief."<
The Major was silent for a moment. >"Then we can meet in Rotterdam again. Every Saturday evening unless I am away on a mission, and then perhaps a day or so after I get back, if you like. I will... call with a code or signal when I am available but something that your men will not pick up on. Please."< He turned a few steps away from the Earl to speak, embarrassed by what he was saying.
The Earl was speechless. >"Yes. I think I would like that."<
There was silence between the two for several minutes. Then the Earl put his hand on the Major's shoulder again and spun him around to face him.
>"I do not think there are enemies at this party. It is a bad party, though, and we have been here enough. I will leave before you, since you will leave with your men."< Then, emboldened, the Earl embraced Iron Klaus and gave him another kiss. He took his time about it this time, opening his mouth and probing the Major's lips with his tongue. The Major pulled away without embracing him and gave him a stormy look.
"I will see you tomorrow then, at the public service." The Major offered tersely in English.
"Yes, darling. Meet me at 09:30. It is a formal event, so wear that marvelous uniform again so that the entire Kingdom will see you at your finest." The Earl winked over his shoulder as he made his way to the Prince to say his goodbyes and towards the exit.
The Major stared after him as he made his leave from among the nobles. After a few minutes, it occurred to him to scan the room for E and G.
"Sir." G whispered from behind him. The Major nearly jumped out of his skin as the petite agent approached him wearing an ankle-length dark blue silk skirt with a high-collared starched white shirt. He was also made up with extreme skill. The Major wouldn't have allowed the cross-dressing all these years if G hadn't made such a convincing female. E followed him meekly in a suit.
"Well?" The Major asked in a low voice. He hadn't expected the agents to be so close. He said a silent mental prayer that he had taught the thief Plautdietsch.
>"Nothing suspicious to report, sir."< Agent G answered him. >"No suspicious persons appear to be at this party, and from everyone we've talked to and gossiped with, everyone here is accounted for and well-established in the Peerage."<
The Major's face turned ashen. He glanced over at Agent E, who looked confused, and back towards G.
>"What are you doing, G?"<
The color drained from the agent's face. >"I don't understand, sir, have you located suspicious people here? Why did the Earl leave?"<
The Major sighed. Along with being an excellent cross-dresser, Agent G was also unparalleled when it came to chatting up targets for information. In this situation, it was also useful that G could mimic any accent since he could take any other Agent, all with heavy German accents, and make them look like his date to the party. He was relieved that the Agent had confirmed his suspicions about the lack of terrorists, at the very least.
>"No, Agent G. I have not located any suspicious persons here tonight. I want to know why you are speaking to me in Plautdietsch."<
The Agent's face reddened. >"I heard you speaking it with the Earl and I thought it made for a wonderful undercover language."< He switched to Russian. "Or is this how I was supposed to do it?"
The Major put his head in his hands. >"Agent E! Do you understand what we are talking about?"<
The Major had addressed him as Herr E, but after that, the agent had been lost. He feared the Major's temper. "S-sir... could you repeat that? I-I-I don't... I'm not catching what you're s-saying right now." He answered in German.
>"Very well. Agent G! What did you hear of my conversation with Eroica?"<
>"N-nothing... sir."< The Agent blushed harder and looked down at the ground.
>"Be sure to keep it that way. If that changes, you will be in Alaska. Do you understand?"<
>"Y-yes, sir. I didn't hear anything you said, sir."<
>"Agent G! One more question, but after we leave."<
>"Yes, sir!"<
He took his face out of his hands and walked up to the Prince, thanked him for the evening, and then began to leave the building.
>"Why can you speak Plautdietsch?"<
>"They spoke it where I grew up, sir."<
>"You grew up in Frankfurt, Agent G."<
>"Oh. No."< The Agent steeled himself for punishment, forgetting the fib he had told all those years ago. >"I grew up near the Swiss border. Er. My family fled the Ukraine with the other Mennonites during the war after the German army came through. Except our group kept going, so we were far enough west at the end of the war that Russia didn't wind up sending us to the Gulag for fleeing the country like they did all the others."< Agent G shrugged his shoulders a little, hoping that he answered the Major's question.
>"G. You grew up a Mennonite? A Russian Mennonite?"<
>"No! I was born in Germany! My older brothers and sisters were Russian, though."< He switched to Russian. "It made my parents angry when they spoke Russian, so I learned how to do that pretty fast. I didn't fit in on the farm, so as soon as I turned 18 and got my trial month away from the community, I got as far away from there as possible. Joined the army." G shrugged again.
The Major shook his head in amazement as the three approached the black Mercedes. His mind wouldn't even let him imagine Agent G in a suit anymore, let alone as a Mennonite.
"Schiesse, G. So you are an example of what clean living does to a person?" The Major had switched back to German.
The Agent smiled shyly and switched to Swiss. "No, Major, I would say you are an example of what clean living does to a person. And you have the most delightful accent to your Plautdietsch. And Russian."
The Major glowered down at the man as they reached the car. "Agent G, I also speak Swiss, if you had forgotten." The Major replied in the same language.
The Agent paled a bit, but answered back. "And your Swiss as well, sir."
The Major shook his head as he started the car and continued the conversation in Swiss. "All these years and I never guessed German wasn't your first language."
"Well, I did lie when I joined up."
The Major glowered at him again.
"What? I wasn't going to admit that I was a Mennonite! People would look at me differently."
The Major took his eyes off the road to give the agent in the passenger seat a withering look.
"Yes, like that!" The agent said triumphantly. "Anyway, I'm good with languages, sir. I can pick up dialects and pronunciations pretty easily. At least in Germanic and Slavic languages. Haven't had much luck with the Latin ones."
"A useful skill to have, Agent G." He was quiet for a few minutes, then remembered that there was a third man in the car. He switched to German.
"Agent E, how much of that conversation did you follow?"
"Er... none, sir."
The Major's blood pressure spiked dramatically. "None, Agent E?"
"None, sir."
"You realize, Agent E, that in order to join NATO, you had to know at least two languages."
"I do, sir! German and English!"
The Major's temper snapped. "What comes out of your mouth is not the English language, Agent E! Just how many agents on my team do you think cannot speak Russian?!"
Both of the agents were silent.
"T-that was Russian, sir?"
The Major jerked the car off the road in order to turn around and address the agent in the back seat.
"Agent E. You will be on a special mission when we get back to Bonn. You will fly to Siberia. And then you will walk across Russia. All of it. When you come back out on this side, you had BETTER BLOODY WELL SPEAK THE LANGUAGE. Are we clear about this?!"
"Yes, sir!" The agent snapped to attention, then deflated in the backseat when the car started moving again.
*****
Agent G was pleased with himself. He'd almost received a compliment from the Major. And he hadn't been chewed out even once for dressing up tonight! The Major seemed to be a lot less uptight lately.
Well, if you ignore the fact he'd just assigned an agent to walk across the Russian continent.
Perhaps that had something to do with the Earl. Agent G couldn't believe that the Major had been meeting the Earl for dinner for months. None of the Agents suspected!
Well, almost none. Agent B owed him 100 Euros. He knew that delightful Earl would win eventually.
*****
The Major kept his eyes on the road while he tried not to strangle Agent E in the back of the car.
Schiesse. No wonder he preferred Agent G. The others really were morons. A shame it had taken him so long to have a conversation with the man.
He lit a cigarette and pondered his lot in life.
*****