Neko-Treize Muse: You'll read it and like it, or it'll be a drabble-fic where you lose your dignity and clothing. Got it?

The muscles around the major's eye began to contract uncontrollably, producing what appeared to be an uncomfortable eye twitch. Through a tightly clenched jaw, he gritted out in an irate tone, "~On the first day of...~ I can't say that word. It's not even a real word! It's just some perverted invention of yours."

NT: Don't be such a pansy. It's just a word; it's not going to hurt you to say.

Gaining a small measure of control over his facial muscles, Klaus managed to eek out, "~ Of Sexmas~ ... Gott ... ~the damned neko gave to me— ~"

NT: No embellishing! I'm the only one allowed to change the script without prior permission.

"~An Alphabet cowering from me.~" He managed to finish only by blurting the remaining words in a swift string. Pleased that he had managed to finish the task without slaying anyone, Klaus made to leave. Grey-green eyes, however, widened in shock as B, G, and Z were lead onto the stage by a troop of neko-stagehands. Behind them, another pair of muses were dragging a nearly comatose A.

NZ: Sorry there are only four... The others were a lot faster than we thought they'd be to catch. Fortunately that one there made a most graceful swan dive as he fell over the fluffy-headed one, and there was this pile up, so we caught a few of them at least.

NT: Amateurs.

Klaus' mood seemed to improve marginally now that he was no longer on the stage alone, even if it meant sharing it with four of his agents who had been so easily captured by a group of midget, cat-enemies. Secretly, he had also liked the part about them cowering before him. "All right, I've read the thing. We're going now."

NT: Nice try. That's just the first verse. Keep reading, and no literary creativity! You lack the refined skills to do so.

Sensing that he would make no progress unless he complied with the psychotic cat-creature's demands, the major continued reading in order to buy himself more time while he formed a plan of escape. If he lost a few good agents in the process, it would be a hefty but needed price to pay for freedom. "~On the second day of S-Se...~"

When Klaus' words sputtered to a halt, Z supplied helpfully, "Sexmas, sir."

The major blushed, even the tips of his ears tinged red. "~'mas, the neko gave to me... two leopard tanks~? I don't need two. Just one! And that faggoty earl has it!"

He turned at the sound of scuttling feet to find the neko pushing aside the heavy material of the stage curtains. Much to his surprise, there were two large tanks behind the tied-off velvet. "How did you..."

NA: It was a bitch to get them back there, trying to fit them through that tiny door.

NZ: Then how did you get them here?

NM: Pop let us have a chainsaw! It was great.

NZ: We are having words about this later, mister.

NT: Kids, they say the darnedest things... You, keep reading – you're not done yet!

Klaus was hard-pressed not to kick the annoying thing across the room when he was prodded on top of everything else. The twitch of muscle above his left eye was beginning to become painful. "~And an Alphabet cowering from me.~ I hate you all."

NT: [to the Alphabet] Well? Cower already!

They, unlike the major, did not need much prompting. G was already inching his way behind A, who was also looking a little nervous about the entire affair. B shot him a sympathetic look, even as he moved to join the G behind the more senior agent. Downstage, Z had walked over to inspect the tanks, ignoring his duties as a Cowering-Alphabet member.

Visibly shaking now, Klaus pressed on to hurry through his unfortunate lot in life. "~On the third day of – that made-up holiday, the neko gave to me: Three nicked gems.~ No! I'm not accepting any purloined gifts."

His face fell even further as NA pushed a box across the stage before him. Once the neko had drawn back the lid to expose the three multi-coloured sparklies, Klaus added viciously, "I should turn the lot of you in!"

NA: If you'd stop interrupting and just read faster, you'd be done a lot sooner.

Taking a deep breath, "~TwoleopardtanksananalphbetcowerinfromeonfourthdayofSexmas~"

NT: Hah! You said it!

When Klaus realized that he had uttered the perverted word, he blushed fiercely. "~The fucking soon-to-be dead neko gave to me: Four... Good German Boys?~" He hesitated briefly to ensure that he had said that correctly. "This is ridiculous. What do I need with four more good Germans? I already have an entire Alphabet of them under me."

G made a choking noise that sounded suspiciously like a laugh, but Klaus decided to let it go unremarked this once. Although it was harder to convince himself that Z had not just muttered under his breath, "Anytime you're 'up' to it..."

Each of the younger neko crew members staggered out, carefully carrying a tankard of dark ale roughly the same size as each of their small selves.

NA: [informs the Alphabet] Due to a slight error in budgeting, you will be doubling as Day One and Day Four. Have some beer.

"~Three gems, two tanks, and a cowering Alphabet.~" Klaus fixed his glare upon the neko, but the beast would not be fazed. "~On- ~" His mouth snapped shut audibly. A moment of pained silence passed as he failed to compose himself. "I would rather burn in the fieriest regions of hell first."

NT: Look, if you don't like my scripts, I can always let Lord Gloria be my Typist's interim muse for this fandom. He has some great ideas about what the two of you should be doing together. But I think overall, you'll find me less painful to deal with. And you - no sniggering!

Licking his lips, he raised a hand to rub at the sharp pain at his temple. Patience was not a virtue he had in vast abundance, and his supply had been more than tried. "~On the fifth day of- ~"

When he stopped again, B turned to him, pleading, "Please Major, just finish so we can all go home."

"~ -of Sss Ex-Mas, God damned mother – the neko forced upon me... Five... Golden... Fops...~"

Having waited with rapt anticipation, Dorian bounded out from behind the curtain right on cue to launch himself at Klaus. "It certainly took you long enough, Darling."

"Don't touch me."

"It's Christmas, be nice."

"But I'm not nice. I can't see how you repeatedly fail to notice such a simple fact."

"Because." Dorian fitted himself against Klaus from behind, wrapping his arms around the major's waist. This immediately set Klaus to shaking. Beating the blond within an inch of his life would have felt so satisfying at that moment. "I happen to know more about you than you do," the earl continued, oblivious to how close he was to a pummeling. "Trust me."

"No. Unhand me."

Sighing, "Just keep going so we can get to the good parts."

"There are good parts?" Inhaling deeply and exhaling slowly, he began, "~On the sixth day of S...S- ~"

"Sexmas, Darling."

"~The neko forced on me: six accountants counting.~ I suppose that's not so bad." Klaus seemed relieved, after the last gift, how much worse could it get?

James was led out, calculator clutched in one hand and a confused expression on his face. Then, another neko came out dragging a giant bag brimming with colored bank notes. The bag was dropped at James' feet.

NM: Count.

Blue eyes widened and sparkled as he latched onto the bag. Before diving in, he turned a moment to Lord Gloria to make sure it was really true. "Go ahead and enjoy," he was told, and it was all the encouragement he needed before separating the notes into piles of brown, purple, and orange while humming to himself.

"~On the– ~"

"No, Darling, you have to finish the last verse still."

Pinching the bridge of his nose, "~Five. Golden. Fops.~" He found Dorian affixed to him again and sighed. "~Four good German boys,~" in response, each raised their tankards in a sloppy salute. "~Three nicked gems,~" to which James turned his attention from the growing piles before him to the sparkling jewels. "~Two leopard tanks and an Alphabet cowering from me.~"

Equally aggravating was both the fact that he was being attacked by an emotionally unbalanced earl and that his Alphabet had given up all pretenses of cowering in favor of topping off their two-foot tankards from the keg that had just been wheeled out by a helpful stage hand.

"~On the seventh day of,~" he turned to Dorian expectantly.

"I'm not going to read your lines for you." A wicked smile lifted his features, "Now, if you'll sing the rest of your lines instead of just saying them, I'll be more than happy to say 'Sexmas' for you." Klaus found himself blushing again at the look he was being given. "Because saying 'Sexmas' doesn't bother me at all. In fact, Sexmas is a perfectly good word. I think Sexmas sounds like a delightful holiday."

Klaus cringed and pushed the earl off of him, mouth working to denounce him as a pervert but only an inarticulate sputtering came forth. Shaking forcibly, the major was very proud of his restraint in not slaying anyone as of yet. In the tiniest whisper, he sang, "~On the seventh day of– ~"

"Sexmas!" Dorian supplied more than happily.

"~The neko gave to me: fuck.~" His face fell again.

"The neko gave you a fuck?" Dorian's eyes widened in disbelief. "Why wasn't I told about this?!"

"No, you great pervert. ~Seven thieves a thieving.~"

On cue, NU led a group of Dorian's men onto the stage. Each looked confused at being there, but when Eroica waved cheerfully at them, they all went without protest to join the Alphabet around the beer tap. Tankards for all were brought out and filled. Klaus, expression frighteningly blank, stalked to where A stood, snatched his alcohol, and drained what was left of it.

By this point, thoroughly convinced that this was a horrible nightmare that he would never be able to escape, Klaus hurried his way through the chorus. Perhaps upon completion of the mayhem, he would wake up. After all, why else would three-foot walking cat people be serving his agents beer? "~Six Stingy Bugs, Five Fucking Fops, Four Not-Cowering German Boys, Three Illicit Jewels for which I will arrest you all later, Two Very Nice Pieces of Quality Machinery, and an Alphabet Still Not Cowering.~"

Drawing a long-suffering breath, the major prepared himself. Better than halfway done now, it was all down hill. "~On the eighth day - oh!~" Klaus' face lit up, eyes glinting green. "Finally!" His countenance took on the slightly maniac gleam that meant something was about to have the life beaten out of it.

Singing enthusiastically now, "~On the eight day of that Crappy Holiday, the fucking neko foolishly gave to me~e~e: Eight. Loaded. Magnums!~"

NZ: He gave what?! Were you thinking at all when you wrote this?

NA: This is gonna be great.

NM: [pushing a small crate over to Klaus' feet] The mayhem will be tremendous. Go forth, Major, make us proud.

It took all four Good German Boys and two Thieving Thieves to pry the lethal weapons away from the major. Removing the clip from one, Z handed the magnum to Klaus. "Maybe holding it will calm him."

"I can still pummel all of you to death with it," he threatened, firing an empty chamber at each of them in turn. Surprisingly enough, it did indeed make him feel better. As did the second tankard of beer and pack of cigarettes that were passed his way.

After sucking down two cigarettes back to back as quickly as possible, he finished the chorus with more enthusiasm than he otherwise might have, head slightly fuzzy from the nicotine high. While he was distracted with all of this, James began to inch his way closer to the forgotten gems on the floor while dragging his bag of money along with him.

Having expended some of his frustration, Klaus clutched the gun to his chest and stroked it. Still holding Dorian to his word, he sung in a disgusted tone, "~On the ninth day of– ~"

"Sexmas," the remaining men chorused.

"~The neko gave to me: Ni-uh!~" A coughing fit overtook the major.

Dorian thumped his back gingerly. "Poor dear, let me. ~Nine erotic dances.~" As he said it, he nestled himself against Klaus' backside and began to thrust rhythmically.

Miraculously recovering from his cough, Klaus managed to turn and brought the magnum down on the earl's head.

NZ: Oooowww! And the earl is down.

NT: And on the ninth and a half day, the neko did give to Lord Gloria aspirin...

"Yes, please," Dorian murmured weakly. "I think I'll wait to give him the other eight when he's in a better mood."

Accepting a top-off on his drink, Klaus drained his beverage and began another cig. Between drags, he finished the verse. "~Eight loaded magnums, seven thieving thieves, six accountants counting, the fop, four Germans boys who aren't being so good at the moment– ~" Tankards were raised in a salute – "~Three purloined gems, two tanks, and my Alphabet.~ Will this stupid thing never end?"

NT: It'll end when you get through twelve days, that's how the song goes. If you stop playing around, it'll be over faster.

"Fine! ~On the tenth day of Sessmas, the neko gave to me: ten – oh, for the love of... Ten earls a nancing.~"

From the floor, Dorian weakly moaned, "I don't feel like nancing anymore. I feel more like sitting here with a cold compress."

NT: You are all babies with no appreciation of the craft. Fine, but by next verse, you'd better nance!

"Right, sure."

Klaus shook his head and pressed on. "~Nine erotic dances– ~ And if any of you sick perverts touch me, I'll kill you."

Dorian stated from his prone position, "And if any of you waste one of my dances, I'll kill you."

"~Eight loaded magnums, you fuckers. Seven thieves a thieving,~" he lit another cigarette as Dorian's men didn't stir from their card game with the NATO agents. "~Six accountants counting,~" James looked up nervously from where he was reaching for the collection of jewels, "~Five golden fops,~" he tossed back more of the beer, "Damn, there really are five of you now..." Klaus looked into the bottom of the tankard suspiciously. "~Four good German boys– ~ who are all fucking traitors for not trying to get us out of here!"

A through Z raised their beers with another cheer. B's lips pursed in thought, "Was that the correct answer?"

"~Three nicked gems,~" which were mysteriously no longer on the floor, "~two leopard tanks, I still don't see how you got it in here... and an Alphabet cowering from me.~"

"You're being so brave," Dorian quipped from the floor. "Only two more to go."

"Right. ~Eleventh day. Neko. To me. Eleven butlers butling?~ Butling isn't a word! Idiots, all of you," he accused as NM led the old man, looking very confused, onto the stage.

NM: Yeah, we're not really sure what butling is either, but it sounded cool. So just stand there and hold this. If he finds the ammunition, run.

Dominic stared at the small beer keg that was thrust into his hands. Looking with uncertainty to the major, he shook his head and somehow knew that the earl was to blame for this insanity.

"~Ten earls a nancing.~"

Dorian looks at Klaus' black expression and decided that A looked like a safer target for nancing until his head stopped hurting. The surprised agent squawked as he was hauled to his feet, and made to nance about.

"~Nine erotic dances.~" Again, a well placed glare saved him from unwanted thrusting. "~Eight loaded magnums– ~ Dammit, they're mine, give them to me!"

After he had been settled again, Klaus continued the verse, disheartened. "~Seven thieves a thieving,~" he made a rude hand gesture toward the side of the stage from where the bemused cheer rose. "~Six accountants counting,~" lighting another cigarette, Klaus' hands were shaking, he noted fuzzily, from the combined nicotine and alcohol. With a sigh, he took a deep breath and as quickly as possible rushed past the "hump" of the song to its finish. "~Fivegoldenfopsfournotsogoodgermanboysthreenickedgemstwoleopardtanks~" [gasps] "~and an alphabet cowering from me.~"

Reeling slightly, the major put a hand to his head to stop the spinning. "One more of these damned things, and this nightmare'll be over..."

"That's right," Dorian affirmed, bringing him another drink. "There's only one more verse and you get to stop."

And I get my eight dances! he thought with glee as Klaus began to sway slightly. "Down this, it'll steel your nerves and all will be over in no time!"

Already having had too many of the giant things, Klaus was leery of trying another. But there was the added benefit of getting so wasted that he might damage his brain enough that the entirety of the traumatic event would be blurred from his memory.

Klaus had to lean on the earl to keep his footing after swallowing as much of it as he could before dropping the tankard. "Okay, ready." Clearing his throat, "~'N twelfth day 'f Sexmas, the neko gave... something...~" He hesitated, looking confused. "~Twelve bishonen smooching.~" Turning to Dorian, Klaus asked, "Whatsa bishonen?"

"That would be us, Darling," Dorian stated, grabbing a handful of German tochus – which wasn't so hard to do, considering that he was nearly supporting the man's full weight. When he only received a look of wide-eyed surprise, he felt it would be safe enough to bend the major over for a well-deserved kiss.

When finally let up for air, Klaus' face had gone surprisingly red. Considering the number of times that he had already flushed, Dorian hadn't thought it possible for him to glow so bright. "Keep going. You're doing fine." Since he hadn't been pushed away yet, the earl left his hand planted exactly where it was.

"~Eleven butts butling,~" he received an extra pinch for his slip. "~Ten earls a nancing- ~"

"If I let go of you to nance, think you could stand on your own?"

"No."

"Then I have explicit permission to continue touching you?"

"If you stop, I'll kill you on verse eight," Klaus threatened as the earl loosened his grip and moved to back away, clearly showing how wobbly the major was.

"Oh, this is heaven!"

"~Nine ... erotic dances.~" Suddenly finding a pair of hands down the back of his pants, Klaus made a rather undignified squawk.

NT: That's "erotic dances," not "quick gropes!" Put some dance into it!

Afraid that the major might lose his footing if moved too much, Dorian left it at a gentle swaying of the hips.

"~Eight loaded magnums.~ Please, just one bullet? That's all I need to end this." He got another grope for his efforts. Drawing a shaky breath, he continued. "~Seven thieves a thieving.~" The men in question leaned in conspiratorially, whispering in soft tones and sniggering. "~Six accountants counting.~"

James stumbled to a halt by the stage curtain, bag of money clutched to his chest and a strange lump hidden under his shirt. "Erm, you called?"

"Not now, Jamesie," Dorian winked at him and waved him off stage with a knowing look. Not wasting a moment more, he was gone.

Wriggling against the hands still down the back of his trousers, "~Five golden fops– ~ Oh, left just a little? ~Mmm, yes, four very good German boysss.~" The four agents looked suspiciously at him, then inched their way into the bemused conversation of Eroica's gang.

"~Three nicked gems,~" no comment was made by anyone that they were no longer anywhere to be seen. "~Two leopard tanks- ~ Hey, not so hard!"

"Easier said than done, Darling." The earl smiled wickedly and continued his massage of Klaus' backside.

"~And an Alphabet cowering from me!~" He face lit up in a triumphant expression. "This is by far one of the stupidest things I've ever been forced into doing!"

"Oh, don't worry." Dorian began inching them backwards, slowly. "I'm quite certain that something truly horrid will be thought up soon enough to make this seem pale in comparison."

Klaus thought to ask why he was being hauled up into the leopard, but couldn't quite coordinate himself enough to do so. The last thing that successfully completed itself in his mind before the lid clanked shut was to shout out, "Alaska, all of you! Start pack—eep!"

Then, all was silent.

NT: Well, I think my work here is done. The kegs are in the back. Have a good one, and lock up whenever they finish, please.

The Good German Boys and Thieving Thieves waved goodbye as the neko-muses all trooped out.

"The major is drunk," Bonham pointed out to the others. "So that's a handicap."

"But Lord Gloria is persistent," G pointed out, unable to stop smirking.

Also unable to keep his mouth from twitching up into a smile, Z stated, "Not too much trouble getting the major into that tank, eh?"

Another thief shook his head. "I say no action. If they haven't gotten any by this point..."

"At least they say they haven't gotten any..."

A hummed thoughtfully a moment. "I say a little action ending in traumatized screams."

"All the way now, traumatic screams later."

"You're on!"

Money was set aside to wait and see, and the poker game continued.

~owari~