BIRTHDAY PRESENT

It was a bright morning on the 5th of May when Dorian Red Gloria, Earl of Gloria, sauntered in high feather into the alphabets’ office in the building of NATO Intelligence. His outfit was, if that was possible, even more flamboyant than usual: a flowing long red silk shirt with an abundance of frills in the collar and cuffs, and tight black silk pants embroidered with golden roses. Highly polished black leather boots and numerous shiny bracelets and necklaces completed the dazzling ensemble, making it almost blinding to look at. In his hand, he clutched a small package, so elaborately gift-wrapped that it was practically overflowing with colorful ribbons.

“Good morning, everyone!” he said cheerfully, flashing his most brilliant smile at the agents. “How are you dear boys doing? My darling hasn’t worked you to death yet?”

“Lord Gloria!” G squealed excitedly. The little transvestite was an ardent admirer of the Earl’s. “I must say, you look absolutely stunning today!”

“Why, thank you, my dear G,” replied the Earl, obviously pleased by the compliment. “So, is my darling in yet? He hasn’t taken the day off today, has he? But then, he would never do such a thing. All work and no play, that’s my love for you,” he said affectionately.

“Umm, you came to see the Major, Lord Gloria?” inquired A tentatively. “I don’t seem to recall him telling us anything about a mission…”

“Oh, not everything’s about work, you silly boy! Today, I just popped in to give him his birthday present, see?” Eroica held up the fancy little package so that everyone could see it.

Upon hearing the words ‘birthday present’ the entire alphabet cringed. The Major was always in an especially foul mood on the day of his birthday; he disliked immensely being reminded that he was advancing in age. The alphabets had learnt the hard way a long time ago that the only way to deal with him on that day was to bury themselves in work and avoid the subject entirely. It was pretty obvious to them that both the presence of Eroica and the mention of birthdays and birthday presents was the most catastrophic combination imaginable. At best, they were in for a tongue-lashing of epic proportions; in the worst case scenario, there might even be casualties.

“Umm…your lordship?” This time it was B who intervened, in an attempt to avert the oncoming disaster. “Wouldn’t it be much more convenient if you just mailed your present to Schloss Eberbach?”

“Oh, I thought of that, but it’s always better to deliver it in person, isn’t it?” said the Earl airily. “I wanted so much to see his expression as he opens it…isn’t sharing the recipient’s joy the whole point of giving presents?”

The alphabets exchanged looks of worry among themselves. One and all, they wondered whether Eroica was an incorrigible optimist, or just plain delusional. The Major’s reaction upon receiving presents could not be characterized as ‘joyful’ by any stretch of the imagination, least of all when these presents came from Lord Gloria. His most positive reaction had been blatant indifference, and as for his worst ones…they didn’t even want to remember them.

Just then, the door was flung open and the man in question marched into the room. Major von dem Eberbach’s handsome sullen face became visibly more sullen at the sight of the flamboyant Englishman. “What are you doing here?” he growled, not making the least effort to sound polite. “Came to pester me again, have you?”

“Oh, there you are, birthday boy!” exclaimed the Earl fondly, completely unfazed by the rude remark. “I’ve got a little something for you!” Beaming at the stormy-faced Major, Eroica held up the little package again, dangling it in front of his nose.

The mere look in the Major’s dark green eyes as he heard those words was enough to send the entire alphabet scurrying behind their desks. Then slowly, very slowly, the corners of his mouth turned upwards to form an icy-cold smile; the very same smile that had made a lot of enemy agents start spilling international secrets right and left, just so they wouldn’t be left in the same room with its owner. “Oh, is that so?” he said in a quiet, venomous voice. “Well, in that case, I may have something for you too.” He walked over to the door to his own office and held it open. “Get in.”

“Oh, how simply delightful of you, my darling,” purred Eroica, and walked blithely into the Major’s office, practically skipping with joy.

Just before following him in, the Major whisked around sharply to face the alphabets, transfixing them with a petrifying stare. “You,” he said in a low, blood-freezing tone, “get back to your work. And no matter what you hear, do not dare approach this door, or Alaska will be the least of your worries.” Then he went inside, slamming the door behind him. And then…nothing.

After a few long, tortuous minutes of silence, the alphabets started shifting uneasily behind their desks. Nothing could be heard behind the closed door. What the hell was going on in there?

“Y…you don’t think he actually killed Eroica, do you?” stuttered B tremulously. “This silence…”

“Nonsense,” said A, sounding nowhere near certain though. “Eroica may look like that, but he is pretty tough, there is no way he would go down without a sound.”

“Not even if he was taken by surprise?” asked L, nervously. “A trained soldier like the Major…” His voice trailed off, and G whimpered audibly.

“Cut it out this minute, all of you,” snapped Z indignantly. “You know very well that the Major is not a murderer, no matter how pissed he is.”

Slowly, the other agents nodded in agreement. Then, one by one, they fixed their gaze again on the closed door. “Really,” whispered R almost inaudibly, “what is going on in there?”

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Meanwhile, on the other side of the door…

Dorian and Klaus stared at each other silently for a few seconds, and then rushed into each other’s arms, their mouths locked in a long, passionate kiss.

They separated briefly to catch their breath, then kissed again, their tongues engaged in fierce play, their hands avidly exploring each other’s body. After a while, Dorian pulled back a little and gazed adoringly at Klaus. “Happy to see me?” he whispered softly.

In a low, husky voice Klaus replied, “Do you even need to ask?”

“Not really, no, my love,” purred the Earl seductively against his ear. His left hand traveled downwards, finally settling on a sizable bulge in Klaus’ trousers. “It seems that someone down there is really happy to see me…” Klaus let out a slight moan as Dorian deftly pulled down his zipper…and took matters into his own hands.

After a few dexterous strokes that made Klaus shudder with pleasure, Dorian whispered quietly again, “So, how do you like your birthday present so far?”

“Wunderbar…fantastisch…” murmured Klaus dreamily, his eyes shut, intoxicated by Dorian’s skillful handiwork. Dorian smiled happily, stroked him a few more times, then spoke again softly, “Um, darling? You’d better get started soon, otherwise your agents might think you’ve really murdered me…”

“Oh, you’re right.” The green eyes snapped open. Klaus drew in a deep breath, and started bellowing, “YOU GODDAMNED DEGENERATE FAGGOT!”

“HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE? DO YOU WANT ME TO CRACK YOUR EMPTY HEAD OPEN TO KNOCK SOME SENSE INTO YOU?”

As soon as the familiar yelling resounded from behind the door, the entire alphabet breathed a collective sigh of relief. If the Major was yelling at Eroica, it meant that Eroica was still alive…at least for the time being.

“Wow, I do believe this is your best performance yet, darling,” breathed Dorian, his hands covering his ears. “How about a little reward for the leading man, hmm?” He knelt down before the Major, at the same time saying out loud, “Really, darling, a grown man like you overreacting like this. Even if you are sensitive about your age, surely your birthday is a cause for celebration…” Having said his part, he focused his attention on the magnificent erection peeking out of the Major’s pants, wrapping his lips and tongue around it lovingly. Mmm…Klaus tasted divine, as usual. Dorian had half a mind to whip his own thingy out and start satisfying himself, but decided against it. Today he wanted to devote himself entirely to his Major’s pleasure. Besides, they were pressed for time; even with the Major’s rich repertoire of abuses, a fit of rage could last only so much time.

Klaus wasn’t able to entirely suppress a groan of satisfaction that escaped him when he felt those first teasing licks, but fortunately he managed to hide it among his next outburst of fury: “I’M NOT BEING SENSITIVE ABOUT ANYTHING! AND I HAVE NOTHING TO CELEBRATE, AND EVEN IF I DID, I WOULDN’T DO IT WITH THE LIKES OF YOU, VERDAMMTE SCHWUCHTEL!” he shouted at the top of his voice. Dorian winced a little; he certainly was glad that his current position afforded some distance between the Major’s mouth and his ears. He started sucking in earnest now, and immediately felt Klaus tense up against him. Usually, on such occasions, he endeavored to draw out the moment as much as possible, but he feared that if this continued for too long, there would be permanent damage to his hearing.

They carried on in this vein for a while longer, the Earl every once in a while pausing in his activities with the Major’s rod to give a teasing or flirtatious response, thus maintaining the appearance of an altercation, and the Major yelling out abuses both in English and German so loudly he could probably be heard all the way across the street. Klaus was now quite out of breath, doubly exhausted by the continuous hollering and the sexual excitement. As a result, his voice had become shaky, adding to the impression that he was about to snap. The alphabets outside, which had been momentarily relieved at the sound of his voice, now started trembling again in fear. Oh boy, the Major’s finally lost it. Well, he hadn’t quite lost it yet, but under the unrelenting attentions bestowed to his manhood by Dorian’s versatile tongue, he was getting there pretty damned fast.

Indeed, not too long afterwards, the alphabets heard an almost inhuman howl that made their hair stand on end, accompanied by a dull thud, and followed by an ominous silence. Horrified, they imagined all sorts of bloody scenes in the setting of the Major’s office, but their fear of their superior officer still prevailed, and none of them could bring himself to defy the Major’s orders and go anywhere near that door. After all, if a crime had been committed in there, the Major would definitely not leave behind any trace of it…or any witnesses.

Little did they know that what had happened, in fact, was that Klaus had come really hard inside Dorian’s mouth letting out a hoarse cry in the process, and then, utterly exhausted, had all but collapsed against the wall, his legs nearly giving out on him. Dorian swallowed his load, licked him clean diligently, and tucked his member with loving care back into his pants before getting back to his feet. Klaus looked as if he’d just ran a marathon at full speed, his ivory skin hot and flushed and slick with sweat, his breath ragged and his limbs shaking with exhaustion. Dorian pulled out a handkerchief and wiped his forehead gently, then embraced him affectionately and they shared a long, deep kiss. Klaus tasted himself on Dorian’s tongue, and the sensation moved him to clasp his lover’s waist tightly, as if never wanting to let go. When their lips finally separated, Dorian pressed his forehead onto Klaus’, and said in a most tender voice, “Delicious as always…Happy birthday, love of my life.”

Making an effort, – he was still struggling to catch his breath – Klaus caressed the Earl’s unruly golden curls with a still trembling hand and gasped, “Danke schön, Liebling.” They stayed like that for a couple of minutes, regaining their composure for the final act. When they had calmed down sufficiently, Dorian sighed sorrowfully and said, “Much as I am loth to part from you, dearest, I do think it’s time for you to kick me out.” Klaus nodded without a word, and after exchanging one last, lingering kiss, he grabbed the Earl by his shirtfront and, with his free hand, yanked the door open.

The alphabets jumped up in alarm as the door to the Major’s office was flung open and a ruffled but apparently unscathed Eroica was sent flying out. His spectacular exit was followed by that of his present, which was jettisoned out the door like a cannonball, aiming straight for the Earl’s head. Eroica was quicker, however, and managed to catch it before it collided with him. Picking himself up with as much dignity as he could muster, he turned towards the door, where a thunderous-looking Major had made his appearance. Undeterred by the ferocious green eyes looking daggers at him, Lord Gloria gave a displeased snort in his best aristocratic manner. “Sheesh, darling, there’s no need for such uncivilized behavior. I can take a hint as much as the next person, thank you very much.”

“If you could take a hint, you would have stopped annoying the hell out of me a long time ago,” retorted the Major. “Now stop wasting my time and get your foppish ass out of here, while you still retain the use of your legs!”

“All right, all right! Dear me, I should have known better than to expect anything different from a Neanderthal like you,” said the Earl, betraying a hint of anger for the first time. He got over it almost immediately, however, and added with a flirtatious smile, “I suppose I won’t be having the pleasure of your company at the ‘Stein Haus’ tonight at 8.30, then? Such a pity, and I went to all the trouble of making reservations, too…It’s your favorite restaurant, isn’t that right?”

A deep, angry crimson flooded the Major’s cheeks, and his eyes blazed with fury. “Did you really think you could lure me in with that kind of crap? I wouldn’t be caught DEAD in a restaurant with you, you bloody pervert! Now get the fuck out! If you’re still here when I open this door again, I won’t be held responsible for my actions, d’ you hear?” The Major turned sharply on his heel and stomped back into his office, shutting the door behind him with such a bang it almost shattered the office windows. The papers piling up on the alphabets’ desks fluttered to every corner of the room, prompting the flabbergasted agents to snap out of it and rush to collect them.

They would have been considerably more surprised, however, if they could have seen that, as soon as the door closed behind him, every trace of anger vanished completely from the Major’s face. Calm as you please, he sat behind his desk, lit a cigarette and inhaled the smoke deeply, smiling to himself. 8.30 at the ‘Stein Haus’ it was then. He wondered what Dorian had got him for a present; under the circumstances, there was no time to open it. Not that he had any complaints with what he’d already got.

Meanwhile, some of the agents gathered the courage to approach Eroica, not however without constantly throwing watchful glances in the direction of the Major’s door. The Earl was a bit disheveled, but otherwise seemed remarkably unaffected by the Major’s rage. “Are you all right, my lord?” asked A politely.

“Oh yes, my dear A, quite all right. Fortunately, it seems my beloved Major still has misgivings about committing murder inside a NATO building. Oh well, maybe I should have mailed him his present after all. It might be easier for him to accept that way.” He shook his curly-haired head regretfully.

“What did you get him, by the way, my lord?” asked G, overflowing with curiosity. “An antique, perhaps?”

“Good Lord, no. An antique would be completely wasted on an art ignoramus like him. No, I got him a bottle of premium quality gun oil. I had thought of buying him a gun at first, but I don’t really know about firearms, so I decided to go with the safe choice.”

At this point, the entire alphabet shared the exact same thought: Safe choice indeed. If he had bought the Major a gun, he would most likely have been shot with his own gift.

“Anyway, I’m starting to feel I’ve overstayed my welcome quite a bit, so I believe it would be for the best to make myself scarce soon.” Lord Gloria picked up his somewhat battered package and walked briskly to the door. “Well, it was splendid seeing you again. Ta-ta, my dears,” he waved graciously.

“Auf wiedersehen, my lord,” G said warmly. “And don’t get too upset, or you’ll ruin your beautiful face.”

“G! NATO DOES NOT PAY YOU TO CHITCHAT WITH FOPS! IF YOU DON’T HAVE THAT REPORT ON MY DESK IN FIVE SECONDS, I WILL PERSONALLY KICK YOUR GIRLY BUTT ALL THE WAY TO ALASKA!” the Major’s voice boomed behind the closed door. G let out a yelp of terror and ran to get the report from his desk, cutting his farewells short. Eroica quietly made his exit, smiling a little. Nothing got past his darling, that was for sure.

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Later that night…

Dorian and Klaus were sitting on the king-size bed in Dorian’s apartment in Bonn, covered in nothing but a sheet. Klaus was smoking in silence, one arm hanging loosely around Dorian’s neck, resting on a cloud of soft curls. After a nice, quiet dinner at the ‘Stein Haus’ they had returned to Dorian’s apartment, where Klaus had finally opened his birthday present…and then proceeded to thank Dorian for it for three hours straight.

Dorian ran his fingers through Klaus’ smooth black hair with a blissful expression on his face. If only they could be forevermore together like this. He cherished those tranquil moments with Klaus more than anything, except perhaps the times of sweaty, heated passion when the Major took him like there was no tomorrow. It was then that he noted a crease that had formed on Klaus’ forehead, almost invisible behind his dark fringe; his darling was brooding over something. Dorian wondered what it could be, and lost no time in satisfying his curiosity.

“A penny for your thoughts, dearest,” he said quietly. His tone was light at first glance, but there was genuine concern behind it.

Klaus took another drag off of his cigarette, and said without turning his head, “I was thinking…about this morning.” “Oh,” said Dorian, and chuckled in spite of himself. “I must say, my love, the stage suffered a great loss when you decided to become an intelligence agent. That look in your eyes when you invited me to your office…it was almost enough to make even me turn around and not stop running till I reached Alaska.” He chuckled again, then taking another look at Klaus’ troubled face he continued, solemnly this time, “Seriously now, what is bothering you?”

Klaus put his cigarette out and turned to face Dorian. Staring intensely into his eyes, he demanded, “Why are we doing all this? I’ve told you many times that I have no problem revealing our relationship. It won’t even have much of an effect on my career any more, if that’s what you’re worried about. Why do you insist we carry on with this charade?”

“Because it’s fun, why else, darling,” answered Dorian lightly. “Don’t you enjoy the thrill of the illicit romance? I know I do,” he continued in the same tone, hoping all the while he sounded convincing enough to fool Klaus. His real reason for insisting on secrecy was, of course, quite different. He was sure that if their relationship was made known, someone or other of Klaus’ many enemies would think of hurting him in order to get to Iron Klaus. Dorian wasn’t worried over his personal safety; he was quite capable of defending himself, and besides, he knew the Major would go through hell and back before letting anything happen to him. What he was afraid of was, that in the event of such a thing happening, Klaus might get it into his head to separate from him, in order to keep him out of harm’s way. Not that he was ever going to let that happen; Klaus would not get rid of him so easily, but he was determined to keep their already rocky relationship as uneventful as possible. He wanted to enjoy his time with Klaus, that time he had struggled so many years to gain, without worries and arguments. He knew well that things wouldn’t stay this way forever; problems were bound to arise at some point, but he wanted to make it last as long as possible. If keeping it a secret was the price he had to pay for that, then so be it.

“Why does it bother you so much?” he asked in turn curiously. “You don’t like lying to your men, is that it?”

“No,” Klaus shook his head. “I mean, there’s that too, but the main reason is…” He paused a bit, looking kind of embarrassed. “We’re together now. I don’t want…to call you names or manhandle you anymore. You deserve better than that,” he said and quickly looked away again, a faint blush on his cheeks.

Dorian felt as if he’d been presented with the entire Louvre collection. Oh, his sweet, wonderful, chivalrous Major, there was no better man in the whole world! Letting out a joyful laugh, he hugged Klaus passionately. “Is that all? Don’t fret about such trifles, my love. Now that I know you don’t mean it, I’m not hurt at all. Besides…” he added with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes, “…after all these years, I’ve gotten used to you yelling at me. It would feel…strange if it suddenly stopped.”

Disarmed by his attitude, Klaus finally allowed himself to smile a little. “You’re really twisted, do you know that?” he said with mock reproach, ruffling the silky golden curls with his big hand.

Dorian laughed again and held onto him tighter. “I sure am, darling,” he said with confidence. “Twisted good and tight ‘round a German wire rope, and I don’t ever plan on letting go.”